16 April 2017


Song lyrics and background

Beatrice, who commissioned this song, said:

Technically Squirrel is not my pet but a wild creature visiting my garden every day, providing me with daily entertainment. He originally came from America in Victorian times, first introduced in Henbury Park in Cheshire. Not sure which generation migrant that makes my squirrel friend. Whenever I dig in the garden I find peanuts everywhere. Squirrel has recently brought a squirrel friend, not sure if they are in a relationship; might be still in the dating phase.


‘ello ‘ello / they call me squirrel / i come from london town / sort of via the wirral / years ago / they brought us over ‘ere / from the USA we came / to ‘enbury park in cheshire / i love peanuts / and i know this place / dunno where the peanuts come from / but it’s got a lovely face / got this mate / that works wiv me / and we get loads of peanuts / for totally free / ain’t got no shells / they’re easy to eat / and when we’re done / fresh peanuts appear at our feet / it’s tough for migrants / times are ‘ard / me and me mate we’re fankful / for the magic peanut yard

(Backward) Sneeze

Song lyrics and background

Emma, who commissioned this song, said:

This pet’s name is Bertie. Or Beedles or Beebarps. He has ten years. When he was four the old lady he lived with didn’t want him any more. He is white and his eyes are unrealistically large. His fur is of an unlikely fluffiness. He backward sneezes. I love him but he is a bad dog. He ate a lego tree. He has bent us all to his will through a terrifying reign of urination on my yoga mat when he is displeased. We love him.


bertie beedles beebarps / he ate a lego tree / some old biddy didn’t want him / she gave him up to me / he pisses on my yoga mat / when i do not him please / his eyes are huge / his fluff is huge / he does a backward sneeze


Song lyrics and background

Jules, who commissioned this song, said:

He’s obsessed with ‘fetch’. I get woken up in the middle of the night, hit in the face with a Frisbee. You can’t watch TV without having 50 squeaky toys placed on you. He’ll fetch until he collapses from heat exhaustion. He knows what ‘put the fox in the basket’ means. He knows how to fetch a beer from the fridge. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him.


gregor’s a clever hound (knows the difference between right and wrong)
he doesn’t fool around (got his mistress to commission this song)
he does great tricks for jules (clear your toys, stick ’em in a basket)
gregor defines the rules (yes i’ll bring the frisbee, don’t even ask it)

gregor and jules
live in ontario
if you’re ever in canada
go see the show